


Regret

by SarahMia95



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-18
Updated: 2014-01-18
Packaged: 2018-01-09 03:54:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1141113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarahMia95/pseuds/SarahMia95
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony regrets the events of that night... the one that led him to lose Steve.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regret

The thing is, I don’t love you. Not yet, anyway. But it wouldn’t be very hard. One more brush of your hand against mine, one more secret smile, one more laugh. One more night with your eyes never leaving me, with your arm curled possessively around my waist, with your lips against my lips, neck, heart. One more kiss, my hand over your heart as it beats too fast. One more meal, teasing you for the amount of food on your plate and being teased in return. One more time catching you looking at me as I laugh at something someone else has said. One more night, staying up late and discussing battle strategies. One more afternoon spent in my lab, you curled up on the sofa in the corner, sketching idly. One more time where you attempt to explain the lost world you came from, the one that no longer exists, and I try to figure out how to cure the pain in your eyes as you tell me about Peggy. One more story about your family, explained in hushed whispers late one night. One more group night out, spent with you never leaving my side. One more time of running into you in the gym, eyes lowered, cheeks red as I take in your body. I want more; more of your smile, your wit, your humour. Your eyes, the strength in your arms, the look in your eye when I’m around. 

You’re like a high, a drug, a shot of something wonderful and scary and painful. 

You could hurt me. You already have, or maybe I hurt myself. I have cried for you, raged for you, walked across a lonely, desolate city in the rain and the cold for you. I have argued, and questioned, and spent too long in the lab, building project after project until Jarvis finally reminds me to sleep. I have rationalised, and slut shamed and guilt tripped until every moment we ever spent, all the time together is branded into my brain. I have curled into a ball and held myself together, I have smiled fondly at memories of you. I have been optimistic, and pessimistic, and cynical and rational and everything in between. I have danced with men but not kissed them, flirted and not fucked, because why would I do that? 

Never again. 

I regret that night. I regret how much I drunk. I regret smiling at him, dancing with him, kissing him (letting myself be kissed, I didn’t start it, it wasn’t me) letting him take me home. I regret being pressed up against his doorframe, his hands stroking me, his lips trailing down my neck. I regret pulling off my shirt, my jeans, my boxers, lying stretched out on his bed awaiting him. I regret the way I helped him out of his clothes, I regret the way I touched him. I regret saying yes. I regret his hands on me, his cock inside me, his lips pressed against mine. I lay awake the whole night. After he had fallen asleep, I lay, naked in his arms until the sun rose. I left him. I left him in the morning, threw on my clothes and walked all the way home, across the city, shocked and unable to understand what had happened. 

And then, I spent the whole day still feeling him inside me, still thinking of you. I remember telling you, the look on your face, the resignation, the pain. I went to the gym after. I made myself hurt, I pushed too hard and too fast because I wanted to forget. And then, when you told me you didn’t want me anymore, I fell apart. I put myself back together, though. You don’t know this about me, but I always put myself back together, because no one else will. I am always there for myself, holding, soothing, caressing, it’s going to be ok, you’ll be ok, just keep breathing. So I did that again. I lived it again. 

And now you’re here. I can see you again. Your smile, and your body – god I’d forgotten how handsome you are, how much I want you – the very nature of you. And it’s weird and awkward, and I don’t know what to say to you, except maybe this. Forgive me. And let me fall in love with you. Because it wouldn’t take much, and you know something? I’ve never felt this way before. I want to love you, and I want to be loved by you, but most of all, I want your arm around me once again.


End file.
